End of an Era

I was taking my normal walk on Friday afternoon, and the thought suddenly struck me- this is my last walk by myself for a long time.

This train of thought continued as I realized that the time where I have the day to myself, like my summers and my last few months have been, is ending.

Almost every action that Blake and I did as we prepared to leave tomorrow was with the thought that when we return, everything will be different.

We knew this time was coming, but it is still strange to realize that as soon as we leave our house tomorrow morning, we know that we aren't returning to it again until we have our precious, long awaited daughter there with us. It is a feeling that I can't describe better than it is "the end of an era."

I would say, if I had to divide my life so far into eras, I would say the first era was childhood, and that ended at graduation from high school. It felt like the end of an era. As I did all of my high school graduation events, it was almost surreal, but a day or two after actually graduating it really hit me. To me, that is part of showing what is an era in your life- that the change from it is profound.  I moved out to go to college, and I never moved back in.

My second era is marked by Blake, since we met that first year in college. We have spent the last ten and a half years together as a couple, first with dating in college, then married, but together, and without kids and without our parents making our decisions for us.  This is the era that is closing now. At this point, it is still mostly something I can't absorb, but I think that when we are given Grace, and know that we never have to give her back, it is going to hit me that we are really at this parenting stage of life- we made it.

I mentioned my emotions in my last post, and they are still very mixed. I am excited, as I have wanted to be a parent since 2009, and Grace's parent since last August. Yet, I am also extremely nervous- I love kids, I am good with other people's kids, but having full responsibility for a child is a huge thing. It doesn't help that our first experience parenting will be on lots of planes...that adds to our anxiety. Throw in a dash of nostalgia and wistfulness, and you fairly accurately have my current emotional state.