Meet Them Where They are At

My brother was always the one that liked Legos. I might build something from time to time, but it was never a passion of mine. I did some random sword fights here and there, but I didn't have epic battles by any means. I liked to sketch some, fashion from different eras occasionally, but I would mostly rather spend my time reading a book, or in some other after school activity than to sit and color.

But now I have a son, who loves his Legos. He got a lot of sets for his birthday, and of course was anxious to build them as soon as possible. Every single member of my family knows that my husband is significantly better at Legos than I am, but he works full days, and I work part time. All this to say that the adult helping my four year old with his sets (for 8-10 year olds no less)... is me.

It's not easy for me. Honestly, he sometimes points out my mistakes. Thankfully, he can mostly build them on his own (even these big sets), with my role mostly to make sure he doesn't skip steps, locating a piece he can't find, and I put on the little pieces too tough for his four year old fingers (like those teeny tiny circle pieces that seem to appear everywhere). As small as my role is, it is crucial to his enjoyment of his presents, because the likelihood is that if he tried to be 100% independent, he would hit a step he couldn't do, and get frustrated.

So, for many days this last week, he and I have worked together on his new Legos sets. And you know what? I have loved our time together. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone into an area that he is passionate about, and in the process, we have grown closer, I've gotten better at Legos, and we have been able to connect over something that used to just be a father/son area. I've even gotten better at saying yes to his requests to sword fight. It can't just be something for dad, it is good for him to see that mom is willing to do things with him too. He loves it, and if I am being honest, I have fun with it too!

With Grace, it is art. She loves being active, and has lots of different interests, but where she seems to have the most peace is when doing art. This too, has been a struggle for me. She doesn't just want to draw or color... she wants to color WITH someone, draw clothes WITH someone, or have you draw something that she picked out. It is a social activity for her. For the longest time, I pushed back, and told her she could draw... but I didn't want to draw, and I didn't draw on command, telling her to draw whatever it was. It took her commenting how much she loved the woman at the Kid's Club at the gym, who did draw pictures for her, for me to decide that I was actually hurting our relationship by not saying yes. The teacher part of me wants her to draw on her own, fine motor skills and all that, but the parent part hadn't gotten that this was something to do together.

Like with Legos, I am leaving my comfort zone, and traveling into Grace's world. I have gotten better at saying yes when she wants me to draw something. I have drawn many outfits with her, in these special little books that have two fashion templates, and we each draw an outfit. Now, we have a new art book to do together, where we both draw a response to a prompt in our special sections of the journal. And just like with Legos, I am finding I love this time with her! In the process, we learn about each other, laugh with each other, and bond over our shared art.

One of the amazing things about kids is that they aren't you. They are their own unique individuals with their own interests that may or may not match your own. It has taken me longer than maybe it should have, but I am finally getting it- I need to meet them where they are at.

Looking ahead, they aren't likely to remember everything that we do together, but I truly believe that by being willing to join them in their interests, wherever they lie, our relationship will be stronger in the future, and they will be more willing to share their lives with me, since they found they could do it in the small things now. It is too early to see where their passions will be at 10, or 15 or even 20, but I hope that I can continue to find a way to join them, go with them, and be a part of whatever makes them smile.

Then He Was Four

At this moment, four years ago, I was in a lot of pain. There were breaks, and then more pain. But four years ago and approximately eight hours from now, this amazing thing happened. My son was born.

After 9 long, adventurous months, including a trip to Ghana, becoming a mom to a beautiful daughter, figuring out how to care for a rambunctious little one and a half year old, while ever growing a larger belly, we had our son.

This biological child that we had prayed for, for years, and had decided was apparently not a part of God's plan. This child that we thought was just not going to happen with us. This child that actually made me laugh, when I learned that he was growing, at the sense of humor that God has in building families.

He came into this world in our house, not in a hospital. His first night was in our bed. Grace, who has such a negative association with hospitals, was able to meet him in a safe, comfortable place- our home. I am so thankful for everyone who made this birth possible, and I still look back on this choice with joy.

Tomorrow he turns four.

There truly is nothing like the birthday of a child, more specifically a biological child. While we celebrate Grace's birthday with joy, I don't have memories of carrying her in my body or giving birth to her, and so birthdays are a different sensation with her.

But with Remington... I know the month that everything changed... and yet at first nothing changed. The beginning of pregnancy doesn't look different to the outside world. Yet, something completely amazing is happening inside. One month at a time, I grew as he grew. I was able to hear his heart beat, feel his kicks, as he was still growing. Then, one morning, a completely separate unique individual exited my body, and he will never share a body with me again. It sounds so strange, and I don't wish him to return by any means, but it is just a remarkable experience, and impossible to describe, even though I'm trying.

I still remember his stages so clearly, and not just through pictures. I remember his tiny body, I remember seeing him learn to crawl, and walk, and talk, and day by day become the boy he is today. But at the same time, I can't figure out how we are four years into his life. It has passed so quick!

Four especially seems so much older than 3. One and two were easy, relatively, still totally babylike toddler.

 Three was getting more to little boy... but now? Sigh, four year olds are not toddlers.

It doesn't help me that Remington talks like someone much older than his four years, telling us he wants to be an engineer (this instead of a paleontologist or an archeologist... his last two career paths). His learning never ceases to amaze me, and I know it won't be long before he too is in Kindergarten.

He tells me he has to grow up. He has to go to high school, and be an adult and have a job (his words, not mine). I ask him if he can just stay little forever, but he tells me no, that he has to keep growing. I don't truly want him to stay little, I know I will enjoy every stage of his life, but oh, it is so hard to see him grow up.

I'm pouring out my nostalgia and bitter sweetness here tonight, so tomorrow, all he sees is mom celebrating his special day with him.