Teacher's Heart

"Don't take it personally."

It is a very common phrase, used often, and for various occasions, and I have been told it numerous times about my students, and you know, I can't help it.

My job is to teach them. That is what the school, parents, administration etc. wants me to do, and I think I do it well. But that isn't my goal. My goal is for them to learn everything they are supposed to in fourth grade.

At a glance, it looks like the same thing, but it isn't. Even the best teacher, giving the best lesson, will have a sprinkling of students that don't understand the concepts or remember what they are taught. It is a natural consequence of various ability levels in the class. But I take it personally. I don't know why, but I want so badly for every student to understand, that I feel that I haven't done my job well until they all get it.

And so, when there are days like today, when I take an extra half an hour to do math problems with the kids that don't understand it, and still have kids that don't get it at the end of the day, I get discouraged. I feel like I have somehow failed. If I could have just done ____ then they would all understand.

It is worse with the kids I tutor. I think "I went over that!" when I see what they missed on a test or a quiz, and wonder what I could have done to have helped them understand just a little bit more.

There is an upside to all this, and that is that I take their successes personally too! When the kids do great on a test, I take pride in contributing to their success. Of course, most of the work is done with them practicing, reading, studying, working with their parents etc., but I was a part of their success too.

As our adoption keeps moving towards the finish line, I know in the back of my head that I may not be able to finish the year with these students. I'll be honest, for my daughter's sake, I hope that I don't, so she can spend that much less time in an orphanage. But at the same time, I know that when I have to give my classroom over to a long term substitute, I will have moments where I wonder and worry how my students are doing. I will worry that my leaving hurt them academically, and I will take any low grades that they get in my absence (because I know I will ask) personally too.

That is my teacher's heart.