Parenting

I am one of those people who genuinely likes learning and spends vast quantities of time researching whatever is of interest to me at the time. Some past obsessions were about dogs/raising/training dogs before we got Roxie, kittens before we got the kittens, pregnancy as that time arose etc.

Currently, I am filling the time waiting for more exciting stuff to happen on the adoption front by researching and preparing to raise a child. Some books are just pure parenting books,some are adoption books, some are about medical issues our child might have, and the one I am currently reading is about a white person raising a black child.

It is a bit more technical and has more academic language than my regular books (I tend towards anecdotes as I learn) but it brings up some good points.

One thing that the author said was that the transracial adoptions that happened in the past could be mostly put into three categories- protege, pet and trophy. On the one hand, it seems really strange and off putting to think that for centuries the white people who were raising black children thought of them in one of these three ways.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even among people raising biological children, their reasons for doing so might fall into these categories.

On the protege example, I know of many families who preach into their child's head from a young age what job they should have, because it is their job. Or even more innocently, how Blake hopes to teach skateboarding to our son, because he did it. How I was trained at a young age to enjoy musicals, which my dad loves (and I love now too). There is a huge part to parenting that is passing on what you love or what you do or what you believe to your child. They are your protege, in many ways expected to carry on as you have. While this is true today, it was even more true in the time that a son's job was more than expected to be his father's, it was more or less required that they would be an apprentice to their dad, learning his trade.

A child as a pet is similarly true as well, but this is partly because when I think about this particular statement I do so as a person who genuinely cares about the animals in my house, and worry about them, want them to be happy etc. I am not one of those people who consider them expendable, they are a part of my family.

With that in mind, why do we have pets? To bring amusement, to bring joy, to have a creature in the house that loves us unconditionally... Can't that be said about a few of the reasons that people choose to start a family? Kids bring with them a lot of fun, joy and love too. Yes, they require care, so does an animal.

The author's point about treating them as a pet was mostly a negative one, and included a story during the slave era that there was a child of a slave that was more or less adopted by the white family, given white clothes, schooling etc. up until the family had an aunt that got ill and needed someone to look after her and be her nurse, and then they sent the teen to care for this aunt, back to being treated as a slave. A pet that was amusing for a time, but then had a better purpose and was given away.

The last reason that she found was to have as a trophy. I haven't read this section yet, but yet again I can't help but apply it to biological non-transracial families too! All you have to do is watch one of those pageant shows, or see these parents at kids sporting events, where there is a child who genuinely doesn't care about the activity at the time, but are doing it anyways because their parents have a strong drive to see their child succeed at that activity.

Looking at it from a less extreme angle, is it so wrong to take pride in your child's accomplishments? I think as long as a parent doesn't feel that they deserve all the credit it is okay to want to talk about the various feats that their child does. Both big and small- like my friend posting to facebook when her child was potty trained. Did she have her child for the purpose of posting about her feats? No, of course not! But I do think that it is good for a parent to share when their child is successful, or accomplishes something.

I will acknowledge that I do get the point of the author's chapters as well. Raising a child of another race was not done for the right reasons for most of history, and I completely see that, and know that the purpose of talking about these negatives is to make sure that as the reader embarks on this same quest that they aren't doing so just to raise a child to follow in their footsteps, be a fun amusement or show people look how great I am... but to really be a parent to that child, and to love them and care for them.

It's just that while I know history is full of these kind of examples in these kinds of families, it bugs me when it's presumed to just be in those transracial families. Non-adoptive, all white, all biological families can have all the same issues too...if indeed they are all issues.

As a matter of fact, the whole long home study training process frequently reminds me that while adoptive families have to be cleared to be a parent, there isn't (and obviously can't be) any mandated clearance or training to be a parent under normal circumstances. Consequently, there are many families that are blessed enough to get pregnant that would never get cleared if they were required to have an interview process first. Families who have never read books or prepared at all, and yet they are given all the parenting rights and responsibilities that we adoptive families have to work for, and do paperwork for etc.


As I finish this post, I feel like there should be some great concluding paragraph, summing up why I wrote it, and what to take away from it, but I think I more needed to digest and process what I was reading about more than anything.

Honestly, I am not really worried about my parenting ability, or being the parent of a black child, I research because that is what I do. I am sure that I will have some great stuff to take away from this book, or if not, at least I see some things to avoid people thinking of me.

I am reminded of one of my co-workers repeated statements- that when I am a parent, I will do anything for my child. It is usually said in the context of me ranting about some parent who is making my teaching life difficult, but as I think about parenting, I think that is as close to the definition of being a good parent as I can come.

A parent is simply the person who will do anything necessary for their child, and tries to always keep their best interests in mind.