Then He Was Four

At this moment, four years ago, I was in a lot of pain. There were breaks, and then more pain. But four years ago and approximately eight hours from now, this amazing thing happened. My son was born.

After 9 long, adventurous months, including a trip to Ghana, becoming a mom to a beautiful daughter, figuring out how to care for a rambunctious little one and a half year old, while ever growing a larger belly, we had our son.

This biological child that we had prayed for, for years, and had decided was apparently not a part of God's plan. This child that we thought was just not going to happen with us. This child that actually made me laugh, when I learned that he was growing, at the sense of humor that God has in building families.

He came into this world in our house, not in a hospital. His first night was in our bed. Grace, who has such a negative association with hospitals, was able to meet him in a safe, comfortable place- our home. I am so thankful for everyone who made this birth possible, and I still look back on this choice with joy.

Tomorrow he turns four.

There truly is nothing like the birthday of a child, more specifically a biological child. While we celebrate Grace's birthday with joy, I don't have memories of carrying her in my body or giving birth to her, and so birthdays are a different sensation with her.

But with Remington... I know the month that everything changed... and yet at first nothing changed. The beginning of pregnancy doesn't look different to the outside world. Yet, something completely amazing is happening inside. One month at a time, I grew as he grew. I was able to hear his heart beat, feel his kicks, as he was still growing. Then, one morning, a completely separate unique individual exited my body, and he will never share a body with me again. It sounds so strange, and I don't wish him to return by any means, but it is just a remarkable experience, and impossible to describe, even though I'm trying.

I still remember his stages so clearly, and not just through pictures. I remember his tiny body, I remember seeing him learn to crawl, and walk, and talk, and day by day become the boy he is today. But at the same time, I can't figure out how we are four years into his life. It has passed so quick!

Four especially seems so much older than 3. One and two were easy, relatively, still totally babylike toddler.

 Three was getting more to little boy... but now? Sigh, four year olds are not toddlers.

It doesn't help me that Remington talks like someone much older than his four years, telling us he wants to be an engineer (this instead of a paleontologist or an archeologist... his last two career paths). His learning never ceases to amaze me, and I know it won't be long before he too is in Kindergarten.

He tells me he has to grow up. He has to go to high school, and be an adult and have a job (his words, not mine). I ask him if he can just stay little forever, but he tells me no, that he has to keep growing. I don't truly want him to stay little, I know I will enjoy every stage of his life, but oh, it is so hard to see him grow up.

I'm pouring out my nostalgia and bitter sweetness here tonight, so tomorrow, all he sees is mom celebrating his special day with him.