Remington's birthday

Remington was born today at 4:06am.

I'm posting it from my phone, in bed, as Blake takes a much needed rest.

A real birth story will follow at some point, but for now I have snippets of thoughts from last night/ this morning.

We had him at home, in a birth tub, with the assistance of a doula, a midwife, and two assistants, plus a second midwife at the end to assist with stitches.

I purposely didn't look at the clock all night, and I was never officially checked to see how far along I was, and I love how the absence of those things really just let me focus on moving one step closer to birth.

I surprised myself in never wishing/ asking/ mentioning an epidural or pain relief. I didn't need to do self talk or anything, I knew that until he came out, it wasn't over, so I just kept going through the contractions, and when I felt pushy...I pushed.

My world from about 10 pm to 4 am had just two features: pain and not pain.

Pain came with wordless moans. No pain was resting against Blake or my doula or the tub etc and closing my eyes and ignoring the world until the pain stage came again.

In the midst of everything, I was vaguely aware of what was happening, accepted water when it was offered, allowed myself to be fed food...but mostly I just kept switching between pain and no pain.

I pushed for 1 and a half hours total. My turning point came when my midwife suggested I watch his head come out with the aid of a mirror and a flashlight. It helped motivate me and direct my efforts and gave me a goal to work towards and got me through what I thought was the hardest part.

Blake asked how I'm feeling now, and here is what I said: there are 3 moments in my life that I feel like this recovery is comparable to- after my car accident senior year ( mostly the helplessness) , after my half marathon ( tired, just getting by energy wise) and after my Yosemite hike last year (body feeling every step of the journey).

But with the last two there is also a sense of accomplishment. I did that...I didnt have purposeless pain, I had pain because I accomplished a goal.

As I look at my son with disbelief and awe that he who used to be in me is now out of me, I am reminded yes, of the pain, but also that it was all so very worth it.

I'm now a parent of 2!