Thoughts and Ramblings

As I looked back on my calendar today, I noticed that when I run this Friday, it will mark 9 weeks of running three days a week (though that does include two days off when I was sick)! I don't think I have been that consistent at exercising three days a week for a long time. I never thought I would be one of "those" people who wakes up early to go running in the morning. Actually, I have scoffed at those people before. But I do love the feeling that I get throughout the day remembering that I have already exercised today, and that I can enjoy my evenings without having to feel guilty that I am not dragging myself to the gym (which I never liked anyways).

I more or less have a pattern down that Monday I work on speed, Wednesday I run the 2-2.5 miles at whatever pace I feel comfortable at, and Friday I am working on distance. I did manage to run an eight and a half minute mile this Monday, and then my second mile was eight minutes and forty five seconds. The problem is that I did indulge in a short walk break between the two, so I can't say that I ran two miles in 17 minutes and fifteen seconds, but instead that I ran the two miles at the above speeds. My goal for next Monday is to keep the same times, but not walk in between.

The downsides of Mondays is that my current way of telling my speed, and thus working to improve it too, is my phone. I have a program that tracks my speed, how far I am running, and my current time. But it does mean I have to carry my phone while I run, which I don't like. If I stay consistent with running, I would love to get something like:

This way, I don't have to carry my phone, and I can still know my distance and time. I especially like that there is a feature where it records your previous runs, and you can race a digital character that is running based on your previous time. What a great way to find out if I am going faster or slower than my last time!

Another random thought about my runs is that more than I can ever remember before... I am so looking forward to daylight savings! When I started running in September, I was running in the early morning light, and watching the dawn as I ran. Lately... I could just as easily be running at night! Its safe, there are plenty of lights around Irvine's trails, but still, it is weird running in the dark. I look forward to having a time that it is somewhat light again when I run.

On a totally different topic (that really should be in another post... but isn't going to be) I think I have found that I am 4/5ths good with our route to children. The 1/5th is reserved for things like "My Belly Book." I bought this journal to chronicle my pregnancy back when we were first starting to try because I wanted to write in it as soon as the first week after I found out, and I didn't want to have to wait to go get it if we were successful the first month (sigh, the foolish optimism of those first months). Currently, we are over a year past trying, over a year past deciding to adopt, and 9 months into the adoption process...and I can't let go of this journal! I don't keep it anywhere near me, I have it tucked away by Blake, but I can't seem to let myself decide to give it to good will or give it to someone else. I keep hoping that maybe when I find out the next person I know is pregnant, I will give it to them... but since deciding that there has been a teacher at my school get pregnant, give birth, and you know... I still have this journal! Similarly... during my super optimism time, I made a variety of baby clothes. I have been to multiple baby showers since then, and since our decision to adopt an older child... and I can't seem to even allow the thought of giving them away, or passing them on or anything.

Why? Why do I have this portion of me that literally cannot let go of the possibility? As much as it irritates me when people say "that it will happen now that you aren't trying" ... I think it partially bothers me because it puts that thought in my mind too... and I think it is healthier for my mental state to embrace the adoption without a part of me holding back with the ever lingering hope of pregnancy.

This same fifth of me is the same part that gets jealous when I read things like I did today on our adoption board. Two different people on the board already had kids, adopted more kids from Ghana, and are now pregnant again. I don't know why... but I feel extra jealous of them because not only do they have the blessing of having biological children easily, they have also already jumped through all of these hoops and have their adopted kids already too! It's just... sigh.

I can't explain it. Extra frustrating is that the other 4/5ths of me is bothered by the very presence of the 1/5 that can't seem to let go completely. Some days it is enough that I wish that I had had something so catastrophically wrong with that portion of my anatomy that I knew it was impossible for me to get pregnant. Maybe then I could have closure.

Since I hate to leave this on a bad note, I will throw into this super random post that my weekends lately have been extra nice. This school year is stressful for me, and so I extra need the weekends to unwind and relax. Blake and I have been riding our bikes to a lunch location, and just generally spending time together and it has really been great. We even spent a day going down to San Diego and seeing Sea World and the San Diego Zoo in one day, and it was just a great bonding day. Also hard to explain, but in a good way, I feel like we are connecting more than ever on these great weekends together. It is the silver lining to my cloud of the previous paragraphs that though we don't have kids yet... we have a blessing of more precious wonderful weekends with just the two of us.